


ASMR For Dumbasses

by AsagiStilinski



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Adult Peter Parker, Cuddling & Snuggling, Established Peter Parker/Wade Wilson, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-09-01 05:47:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20253145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AsagiStilinski/pseuds/AsagiStilinski
Summary: Peter is frustratedWade tries to help in the only way he can- by being a doofus





	ASMR For Dumbasses

**Author's Note:**

> This is just utter trash that came from me discovering ASMR- it doesn't do anything for me at all but I have a feeling it's something Wade would have fun with

_Please work... **please work**....... crap!_

For the seventh- eighth?- time that night, the POP vinyl fell over, and Peter was getting ready to scream

Honestly, when Funko had started coming out with superhero themed toys, based on the real people, Peter just thought it'd be funny to collect the ones who he knew personally as sort of an inside joke

...

Then he got addicted and it became A Problem

Now all he wanted to do was place the black and white Captain America variant next to the Starlord 80s variant but it kept tipping over and, in the process, destroying his entire shelf alignment

Peter was miserable

"I always knew Captain America's head was too big, do you think it's the weight of corrupt American politics weighing him down?"

"I think it's Funko's poor design choices weighing him down," Peter grumbled back, turning to glance at Wade over his shoulder

"Could be, but I like the politics excuse," Wade smirked back, stepping carefully across the room and wrapping an arm around Peter's waist

"Why don't you finish this later and come to bed? I hear cable and dirty talk is the new netflix and chill~"

"That sounds great Wade but I don't _want_ to wait until later, I KEEP waiting because the city's population of idiots never seems to die down and I'm tired of dropping everything all the time, I want a home life,"

"... Aren't _I_ your home life?"

And wow, that sounded alot sadder than Peter had expected, enough to pull him out of his irritation

"You can't turn me organizing a shelf into me being a bad boyfreind, it won't work,"

"You're right, so I'll just have to outdo you~"

"Outdo me ho-HEY!"

Without ceremony, Wade had rather effortlessly lifted Peter up and started walking out of the living room, striding into the bedroom instead

"Wade, what about the shelf?!"

"We can just call Quicksilver to come over and do it, since we're all owned by Disney now anyway, but make sure we get the one played by Evan Peters because let's face it, Fox has been doing better with that sorta thing lately,"

Honestly, Peter had given up trying to figure out what any of that meant, he just let Wade set him on the bed and snuggle up next to him- if you could call full-body-octopussing "snuggling" anyway

"You know what Peter Dinklage? I think you need to RELAX, and you know what's relaxing these days?"

"Not Game Of Thrones,"

"Correctamundo Spider-Salt, but what IS relaxing is ..." Wade paused, his voice going breathier, quieter, and for some uncomfortable reason, wetter

"ASMR~"

"God no,"

"God YES, come on Peter Rabbit, let me Spidey Sense you, it's all kinds of tingles and pringles for your brain,"

"You're just going to do it anyway aren't you?"

"Correct again my sassy spider pal,"

Peter had learned some valuable information about dating Wade over the past several months- there was just no use trying to argue when he had made up his mind about something

The fact that that something was probably going to irritate Peter into an early grave was irrelevant

"How did you even learn about ASMR anyway?"

"Actually it's a funny story involving Bob Ross and a very poorly typed Google search with the word 'prom' that lead me down a rabbit hole to the glorious world of ear-based chilly-frillies,"

"You know what? I don't think I want to know anymore,"

"Good, good, that's probably for the best,"

For Wade's credit, atleast his voice was moderately more quiet than usual, Peter presumed he should give him some brownie points for that

"Now I just want you to relax and close those pretty eyes of your's- hazel? Brown? I think they were blue once- anyway, shut those pretty peepers and let yoursef imagine that you're on a beach somewhere, let your body relax on the warm sand- but not hot sand, just warm, like your grandma's apple pie-"

_"Ew..."_

"-imagine the water lapping at your toes... like a cat lapping at milk or a dog lapping at peanut butter or a spider- ... lapping at whatever spiders lap at, do they even have tongues? Do spiders even have tongues to lap with? Ah well... it's no matter, the point is you're laying on a big apple pie of sand and letting the water drink your toes, and because this is an all sensory experience, I just want you to imagine something that tastes good- nothing too wild now, this is rated T- but something... like chocolate...... yeah, just imagine eating chocolate, wile all of this is going on,"

At some point during this exploration into the bizarre, Wade had started dragging his fingers slowly down the center of Peter's back, up and down his spine in slow, gentle motions, it was soothing, calming... it, combined with Wade's lower, quieter voice, made for a strange combination of soothing qualities that actually did find Peter relaxing more and more...

"Do you feel any better now, Peter Pan? Are you finding Neverland yet?"

"Actually, as ... weird... as this is, I think I do feel better, atleast by a little bit,"

"Really? Good, I'm happy to hear that, it means the healing has begun, it didn't even have to get sexual yet,"

Peter rolled his eyes with amusement, but... he _did_ feel weirdly calmer and all around better...

"I'm sorry if I've been irritable lately, I've just been kind of overwelmed..."

"It happens to us all, though mostly it happens to me, because I hate everything and everyone who isn't you, unicorns, and Fred Savage,"

Peter scoffed, eyes still closed, smiling just slightly

"But if overwelmed is your problem? Then please, by all means, allow me to underwelm you, I've been told I'm very good at that,"

"Actually I think you're just the right amount of welming for me,"

Wade gasped fakely, hugging Peter a little tighter

"Awww a compliment, Spidey you shouldn't have, carefull, too many of those and I'll start craving them, like dog treats, or cocaine,"

"Trust me they won't happen often," Peter teased back, finally turning over and wrapping his arms around Wade's neck

"I can think of something that will though,"

"Oh? And what would that be Peter Brady?"

Peter decided not to answer verbally, he just leaned in and kissed him

After all, he'd learned from experience- it was the only way to shut Wade up that didn't involve explosives


End file.
